You are having a nightmare:
You’re on the show Masterchef and you’re baking a soufflé for the first time. Why are you on Masterchef?
Cause and effect does not exist in this nightmare, so you have no idea how you ended up here.
You’ve never baked a soufflé before and when you try to quickly google the recipe, Gordon Ramsay slaps your iPhone out of your hand. You do the best you can, and when you’re done, you nervously bring your soufflé to the front. There are 200 other contestants watching because this is Season 5: 200 Contestants This Time!
Chef Ramsay cuts into it and looks inside. Instead of delicious chocolatey goodness, it’s filled with…sauerkraut! Nooo, why did you do that? You don’t know! Maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time? You don’t remember.
Ramsay takes a bite and winces. He says, “If you had used chocolate instead of sauerkraut, this would taste a lot better. What a shame.” He turns his back to you and gives a nod to the next judge, Joe Bastianich.
Joe approaches the bench. He looks down at your sauerkraut soufflé, then looks you in the eye and says, “this is an ill-conceived dish. You insult me with this. You insult your fellow contestants with this. All of Italy is declaring war on you, right now. I’m wearing a nice tie but that is off topic. This is total garbage.”
Then Joe takes the ramekin that carries the badly-thought-out dessert, and throws the whole thing into the garbage. The ceramic bangs against the inside of the receptacle as it lands, and the rest of the group winces and writhes at the dramatic scene.
The last chef, Graham Elliot, who was secretly excited to try your fusion dessert, takes off his glasses and frustratedly massages his eyelids.
You wake up in a puddle of cold sweat and urine. You are mostly relieved but you still peer around the room for any chefs that may still be lurking around. Thankfully this isn’t Wizard of Oz and you are not being woken up by those very people. It looks like the worst is over.
Well guess what. I, Pertobello, have lived this very nightmare! I was never on Masterchef, but I lived it symbolically. I was Joe and the sauerkraut soufflé was The Wolverine. (But in real life, you are a much better cook. Sorry about that.)
Q: That’s kind of harsh.
A: Harshness is needed! People need to know how bad this movie was!
A: Remember what they said in Transformers 3? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Anyway, here we go. The Wolverine.
First of all, no, I was not expecting much. I survived (and even enjoyed) the first Wolverine solo film, based almost entirely on low expectations. So I thought, let’s do the same again. Let’s put away our brain and watch an action-packed samurai ninja thriller and some veiny wolverine super saiyan slashy stabby moves. It was such a solid plan in my mind. I honestly don’t know what went wrong.
This movie was rated PG in Canada. This is not a PG movie. No, the movie doesn’t “show” any stabbing, but by gum, it sure as hell amplifies all other senses for the audience, so there is no question that some DEFINITELY REAL stabbing is going on just off the screen.
The camera just stays pointing at the face while all the gory stuff is happening to the stomach. This type of loop hole makes me really mad, because they get away on a technicality, (see? no gore! totally PG), but how in the heck is showing a prolonged look on someone’s face as they are being gutted, and dragging out the squishy sounds as the knife twists for long periods of time, “not gory”?
I’m not saying whether this is appropriate for children or not, I’m just saying, LABEL THE MOVIE CORRECTLY so people and parents can decide accordingly. When they showed Rogue getting knifed in the chest by Wolverine’s claws in the first X-Men, I was 13 and not upset. But when I saw this movie, at age 27, I was writhing in my seat, I was uncomfortable, and I was plugging my ears because of all the squishy gut sounds.
And did this happens once or twice? With unlimited ninjas and Wolverine’s healing powers, you can guess that they used this technique extensively! And you would be right! Good work.
And Wolverine makers: Way to be as obvious as possible that you did this just to get everyone to go see it. If you’re a kid or a grandma, don’t worry about it. It’s PG! If you’re a zombie-killing gamer, don’t worry about it. It’s a gore-fest! The Wolverine has your back…skewered on an adamantium post.
I was surprised the movie theatre didn’t drop fake guts on us, so they could abuse yet another one of our poor senses.
Ok, moving on….
I had another issue with this movie. This villain:
This villain lady (the Viper), who is now on my mental wall of shame for bad villains, spends most of the movie walking around looking evil. Her role in the film is unclear, which could be intriguing, but it is not.
As the viewer, you are aware that she is a henchman, but why? Does she have any evil agendas of her own? What are her personal reasons for being an evil henchmen? If someone is truly evil, are they happy just working for someone else or do they want to take something for themselves?
Q: What if she was one of those villains with good inside her, and she’s too afraid to make the necessary changes in her life right now?
A: They could have gone in that direction. But instead they just went in the direction of “vagueness” and “hoping you don’t careness.” And they were right. I didn’t care.
Another problem I had with the movie:
Mariko, a beautiful Japanese princess (aka rich heiress) is on the run from the Yakuza. Ok, good, we got a story brewing. Let’s see where this takes us. So Logan says to her, “where are you going?” and Mariko says, “I’m going to hide at my family’s summer house,” and Logan says, “no, you’re not. That’s the first place they’re going to look for you!” and he convinces her to hide elsewhere (i.e. a “love hotel” in a bad part of Tokyo, which was actually a pretty funny scene.)
3 actions scenes later…Logan and Mariko are at the summer house! What?? How did that happen? I don’t know. When did they decide to go there? Because they killed some ninjas? No, we all know that ninjas are unlimited. So it couldn’t be that. Why would they go to the summer house?
Then, guess what! The bad guys find them at the summer house! Whaaaaa? But…it was a foolproof plan!
One more problem (I know it looks like I’m not holding back here, but I really am. You can thank me later):
What always makes me sad in a movie is seeing what could have been. In this movie, they take away Wolverine’s healing powers, which could have made the action and the psychology super interesting. But really, the only difference between this and movies where he still has his powers, is that he limps a lot.
Seriously, he gets shot in the leg and has some ribs broken and is even stabbed in the throat probably…(I saw this movie in July so some of my facts may be iffy), and he just limps around like he has twisted his ankle.
[SPOILER STARTS HERE]
One final thing (sorry! I really can’t be trusted) is that when it’s time for Logan to say a long romantic goodbye to Mariko at the end, she kisses him and says, “will you call me?” and he says, “no way, baby. I’m a soldier.”
And he walks away and gets on a plane without even looking back and waving at her.
Of all the cliché’d, idiotic, pre-packaged endings. Oh I oughta…!!
Anyway, I guess it’s totally ok to sleep with a stressed-out mob-targeted girl (yes, they had sex at the summer house), and leave her forever like the womanizing douche you’re supposed to be showing all of us you aren’t, because you’re riding off alone into the sunset at the end of a movie.
I understand that you have a wet bear cave back home that is in serious need of your…soldiering.
[SPOILER ENDS HERE]
Ok, that being ranted, here is my final thought.
This movie was very big.
- It took place in Japan (which is big for us).
- There was Japanese mafia.
- There was romance.
- There was a love-triangle.
- There was corporation stuff (you know…corporation stuff).
- There was betrayal.
- There was a cool samurai chick with red hair! (How do you go wrong?)
- There was the idea of Wolverine facing his own mortality for the first time.
- There was a massive robot made out of adamantium!!
On paper, this movie had everything. It was a BIG movie. But then all this big stuff was not given any respect. It was washed out by vagueness and loose ends. We didn’t get to know any of the people involved. All plans, both evil and good, were poorly thought-out and then glazed over by distracting stabbings.
And I don’t mean the plans were poorly thought-out as in “the characters were dumb.” That would have been fine. You could tell that the movie was just trying to cover up the bad decisions with cool samurai stuff.
Nothing came together.
It was a sauerkraut soufflé.